Closer to retirement ; a day in the life

Its the beginnng of a new year for me, though birthdays don't mean the same now - one year closer to retirement is what it means - 4 to go though I may consider leaving sooner. People don't always understand this sentiment. My fellow never gets it that I don't take many calls for extra work. I feel guilty telling him when I have called in sick. Its too draining a job to do when you are not well. He takes his toolbelt to work- hammers, nails, measures and many more. He works with concrete and wood. I work with people. I take myself to work : my heart and soul. I guess everyone does, in the way that they are not easily separated from your body, but mine are my tools . At least this is the way I see it. I have other tools like stethescopes, syringes, vital sign machines and medications but my heart and soul (along with observation and communication skills ) , are intertwined and not extractable from my work. As I push my med cart from room to room I am not just the drug dispenser; though getting medications out to 8 or 10 patients in a timely manner without mistakes ( but never without interruptions ) is no small feat.
Remembering my last shift, moments shine through- having / taking time to talk to a young patient. Addicted to alcohol, he had often been resistent to our care. Now, with yellow skin and a bloated abdomen, he finally realizes, and tells me he knows he is fighting for his life this time. Yes, I say and stop to listen. Too late for much of a life, I know in my heart. A sweet man, nearly 20 years my junior. Another conversation that felt like a successful encounter was with the daughter of a client, who intended to write up information for the staff - on how to care for her mother who suffers from incapacitating dementia. Small hints about activities of daily living given from a family who dealt with this situation for as long as they could at home before being forced to seek help.
On this day I am remembering I was required to go to emerg for "a code" An unusual event for me. Here is the picture:

I am there to record. A woman lies unconscious on a stretcher, her upper body exposed as leads are placed on her chest to attach her to a heart monitor, and intravenouses are started in her arms. The monitor shows her heart is beating but a nurse is breathing for her: pumping a bag to push air into an airway placed in her mouth. The doctor is trying to intubate ( place a longer tube that will assure that air gets to her lungs) and at the same time ordering drugs. I am handed a clipboard as I arrive and I record everything - vital signs, drugs given etc... In a few moments I notice the woman's name on the clipboard - someone I knew years ago. Our children went to grade school together before they split ways. She is only 4 years older than me - starting spring gardening she had collapsed suddenly. Help had come quickly. She has friends waiting in the waiting room. Once she is stabilized and warm blankets cover her body, her friends are allowed to come in. I encourage them to come close to her head and talk to her; though lying there unconscious with tubes in her mouth ( now attached to a quiet respirator) hooked up to monitors and IVs, she may not look so much like their friend. I see the fear in their eyes, the hesitation. Then one moves forward and whispers in her ear, one holds her feet, offering energy. I have a moment to stroke her hair and cheek. Her eyes remain closed. It feels surreal. The critical care team arrives. She will be taken by ambulance to meet a plane , then on to a more major center where she can receive more intensive, specialized care.

I was then free to return to my own place of work, grateful that my work partner had done a good job of picking up the slack in my absence. Soon I would be home; another day behind me. Memories would flash back. For me it wasn't so much the thought that this could happen to me I could be the one falling down in my garden. Its not "get out while you are still healthy"It is really considering the circumstances we need to absorb
and process, all the time. How do we accommodate these events within ouselves. We carry on. It has always been amazing to me to be with someone as they pass from this world; to comfort their family , and know I will likely be caring for a new client in that same bed later that same day. That the world just carries on and we need to find our own ways to honor these precious moments. I find my solitary time at home ..... and I walk .... outside alone.

That day had been a good one on the ward. Many days are much more hectic, sometimes working understaffed , sometimes moving from one crisis to the next, struggling to keep up. Those are days I wonder if I have done a good enough job and I think " how much longer can I do this " I have been at it for a long time. From this job I sport a 25 year pin.
I know that tools wear out , but what of hearts and souls. These can't be replaced. In my soul I carry my strength, my knowledge of how important it is to be there and that I can do it. In my heart I carry compassion, but my heart feels a little worn. a little strained. Sometimes I am so very tired, on many levels. Others may not understand, but I think it is time to look at making my exit. Radha