Nightime Visitor

First thing in the morning I see the tracks in the newly fallen snow. They have come across the field, under the cedar tree, and directly across the driveway onto the small front porch, as if contemplating admittance.. But the door was closed and they make a clean loop going back down the steps and around the corner towards the back yard. I find this one of the beauties of winter; stories revealed because of the snow. Deer tracks often cross the property, telling tales of night time visits, which stay mostly unknown in other seasons. These tracks are not deer and not large enough for the neighbor dog.
A smaller dog, I think, though I know of none around. The little claws and fingers are well defined, almost splayed out. They look like small agile hands. I begin to have another line of thought, which is only fortified by the direction the tracks head. Straight back to the pond they go and right close along its edge. They stop either to drink or enter the water at one spot , then off into the trees. A racoon. I imagine it coming along. I hope it didn't eat many fish. No sprinkler protection in winter.

Some time later, after more thought and further inspection, I change my mind. A racoon's paws are smaller, I believe. It must just be a dog, .... or a coyote. Now thats not a thought I like to entertain, but the mystery is not totally revealed after all.

Radha

Nature's Miracle

Outside the snow lies deep, while on my dining room table yellow flowers bloom. It is a forsythia branch and the last little buds open while a few leaves now appear where flowers once were. For me it is a small miracle and a symbol of duration and perseverence. Six long weeks or more it has survived in flower. I cut it off the bush in the second week of October. I was attracted to it because its leaves had turned a deep red and it looked unusual and a herald of autumn. I took it from its vase to bring to town a week later and laid it as part of the centre display on our round rug at our monthly dance meeting. Then back in its vase more bright flowers have continued to come forth. The red leaves have long ago dried up and fallen. It looks a bare stick, a little forlorn to the eye of some. But as long as flowers open and new buds swell it shall grace my table with its brave beauty. Thus I shall persevere too, honoring its example.

Morning pages Nov 6th, 2010

I have a cold this morning but still I have sat outside with my morning coffee and walked the land looking for what may be left to do. Clean up some branches that are down and divide them between the fire and the burm I am building over in the woods (good fences make good neighbors) There is a pile started. A little aggressive plant has spread itself through most of the disturbed land along the fence. I want to reseed there but pulling it out will take a fair chunk of time.

Now I sit with a cat on my knee and the gas fire going. Its flames can mesmerize me. I feel a sinus headache starting as I focus on writing. This cold is leaving me tired.

Always much to do and writing hasn't been in the mix lately; not since my long stretch of time off in September. How hard it was to return to work and how energy and activity shifts once I reabsorb my working hours into my life. Parts of my routine dissolve and others need become intermittent.

As the busyness of fall yardwork settles into the solidness of being winter ready, my mind looks for more inward ways of being creative. I search up my writing book, hidden on a table under other papers. Today this mind dreams of a women's circle with a new focus. It delights in the thought of women gathering to share process and experience, to laugh and eat together, to be sisters in support of each other and perhaps of the Mother Earth.

Radha

Morning Haiku

Trees like sentries stand
between me and the highway
Give me breathing space



The vine welcomes fall
growing pinker each morning
Rose mingling with green

The Goddess

She will meet you in the garden
She waits among the trees
and swims the rivers currents

Yet you need not wander to find her
She travels with you
and if you stay she stays

She hides in dark and secret places
Dig deep and you shall find her
beyond bones and blood and sinews
beyond language and form

Dig deep to your inmost being
for here lies her home

Radha
written at Kootenay Dance Camp (Koolaree) for Goddess night

Reflections from Wilderness

Oh, resist the temptation to be a joiner
You who came here to nurture your soul
To claim space just to be

The waxwings call you to the lake's edge
where waves make patterns around rocks
who patiently stand firm

They have no need to DO, content just to BE
Allowing the water to cover then reveal them
In and out, in and out like the breath

Oh, let the water flow over you
the miracle of breathing be enough
Your heart expanding with the waxwings song.

Radha

The Next Morning

This morning the lavender is blooming and pink roses and yellow lilies. I have picked a full basket of raspberries and heard the call of the raven and towhee.I have been visited by a family of chicadees as I sat on my bench under cedar trees. As I moved hoses and sprinklers around I have witnessed how the vegy garden has grown over the weekend. Along with weeds I am able to harvest lettuces and mustard. I feel great gratitude for this life; for all these gifts.
Although sleeping at home, I have spent the weekend far away in a different dimension; retreating with 14 other beautiful women. We were all attending a dance leader training and deepening. Such power, joy and compassion. I return altered, as I would expect, and carrying many gifts, once again. I have stood in front of the Buddhist altar and felt a lotus blossom open in my heart. I have discovered a fascination for mudras; delicate and subtle hand positions with great mysterious meanings, my hands wanted to mimic. We have called on Ganesha to remove obstacles and felt the sacred circle of Tara; sending out compassion, gathering up suffering and burning it in her fire. Together we have experienced the centre walks and learned much in our sharing. I can feel my power contained in the hara, my body an open channel from the crown and the wonder of the expansive place seen through the third eye. I have been on the tightrope in my heart that divides grief from joy, and experienced both at once; perhaps a little closer to living with equanimity.
Perhaps for me the biggest change came before. I moved through the weekend relaxed and free of stress, even though having some responsibilities as an organizer. I stepped up to lead, not knowing any fear of failure or criticism. I, in wonder and appreciation, have thought about this. I am taken back to Sufi camp at the end of May, where a friend helped me make a breakthrough discovery. It was simply a different interpretation of a message I had been given, in reference to changing old patterns. I ofcourse thought I was to break the pattern of nervous energy and fear of failure that has accompanied me through life. My wise friend felt that the pattern I needed to change was that of beating myself up for being this way. Thank you to friends for new perspectives they offer in their care and love for us. I was then able to replace the attempt to banish my self consciousness and bring in confidence, with a new wish to accept myself just as I am. Accepting that part of me that can experience a sudden onset of stage fright, that is so concerned about what others may think, allows me to know simply that I may have to deal with this from time to time. It could also mean that part of my nature will inject itself into my life less often. I have only to wait and watch, as I move through life in this new peace, with new grace.
I ponder the truth that we are all changing constantly, as is life and the experiences we encounter. So much more joy there is in living with gratitude and in acceptance of all that is.
For me this is something worthy of striving for, and I wish it for each of you also.

Radha

Renewal

The brilliant green freshness after the rain

Trees reach arms up; leaves trembling

Bare spirit shines through

The mind after introspection and repose

Unmuddled; knowing the next steps

Connected to the inner core

The flood of relief after tears finally flow

A lightness permeating

Empied out;surrendering to grace

Forgiveness hangs in the air

Permission to begin anew

Radha

Spring Signs

The towhee has returned
its unmistakable harsh call pierces the air

The osprey back to claim her nest
high on the old bridge pilons

Hues of green and yellow mingle
as trees leaf out, enlivening the roadsides

Some mystery moves through us as well
coursing through veins
awakening cells with new energy

Our step and breath quicken
as all around us bursts forth in life

Radha

Rejection Remembered

I still feel his inadvertant cruelty
Coming here alone now
and strong in myself
I want to banish his memory
Claim this wondrous place
for my own soul's healing

Radha

Inner Void

This morning I am numb
moving slowly through the paces
indecisive about how to proceed
nothing stimulates me
I am looking through a haze
staring at the rain outside

My head is heavy
hurts where it meets my neck
words don't come as I try to write
I am empty
drained of what I can give

The rain, coming harder
lays outdoor plans to rest
mountains dissappear
behind cloud and mist
I want to see through
to the greenness, the nourishment
but dullness inhabits me still

The rain turns to sleet
hammering down
cedar and fir branches dance
I remain immobile
Tears come slowly; welcome
pulling me out of indifference

Radha

Pause

I long to pause
for a day, month, or year

to stare out windows at mountains
and trees where birds congregate
or a pattern in the wood wall
thoughts would come and memories
not of things needing doing


to lie guiltfree
let weariness drain
from body used to pushing
mind used to juggling
soul struggling to keep up


to sink into the void
behind closed eyes
head empty of plans
shoulds and coulds and supposed tos
scattered to the winds

and in the blackness dream
of flying free

Radha

Spirit Patterns

A flock of tiny siskins
shifting shapes across the sky
weaving patterns, they move
as one entity. One mind directing
Like a choreographed display
simply guided by spirit
Opening my heart in Awe

Radha

Tree Fort

I am building a tree fort
Out among the cedars
Looking up at underbellies of chicadees
Delighted to see the dance of the nuthatch
Pecking its way downward
Not really a tree fort
It only feels that way
as I work amidst the branches
replacing a collapsed roof
under which I store wood
Hidden in the trees it is
a place to sit unseen
to look out on the rain
streaking down to nourish the land
while a little wren hops
along the edge of the blackberry row
a place of escape to just be
sitting on a woodpile
melding with the natural world
or at least aspiring to

Radha

One Dreary Morning

The rain, though cleansing, dampens my mood. The mountains have dissappeared under the grey. Dreariness seeps through the window and settles into my body, making my mind dull and pressing the edges of spirit. Rain is displaced, being that it is February. It rained most of January also. Looking out the window I see grass where snow should lie. Realizing the mildness has made this an easier winter for many, I still feel cheated ; of the beauty of snow tracing the tree branches, of having walkways and decks to shovel and snowfall to record, of that feeling of being tucked inside a cave.

Life has also taken turns that have kept me so busy and left me wondering what happened to the inward focus I had planned to enjoy. The smell of spring accompanies the afternoon breeze . Sweet though it is, I refuse to acknowledge or celebrate a change of season yet.

I remember feeling similarly cheated last year and wonder at these weather changes. It is one thing to hear about global warming and another to witness these dramatic new patterns, firsthand.

So, I shall pull myself up and attend to household duties Perhaps I shall rally enough to walk and watch the river from under a hood. Perhaps this dreary dissapointment can yet be converted to a more clear inward journey.

Radha

That too is me

This is me ; professional in uniform
Repositioning your mother gently
Administering drugs to ease the pain
Hopefully making true connection with you
Helping you through this process of loss


This too is me, leading dances for peace
Teaching words in a strange language from a different faith
Experiencing the dance with you
Spinning, always turning
Toward the one


That woman speeding down the highway
Overnight bag packed
Singing along to Sheryl Crowe
" I am a stranger in my own life"
That too is me ; heading to a rendezvous with romance


Wearing old jeans and a plaid work jacket
Driving the tractor mower
Bringing in herbs to dry
Watering and weeding flowers and vegetables
All day outside ; that too is me


Cracking a cider after a long day at work
Scooping up a chattering granddaughter
Yet losing my temper with my daughter
Over small and silly details
Lacking patience, yes that too is me


So many compartments to life
Walking along the river, reflecting
Here at the computer, writing
Thoughts of diversity in each human being
Being a writer, that too is me

Radha

New Years Reflections

I am not writing. This thought occurs to me often, yet nothing has come to me to write, in the busyness of the holiday season and doing the job I still hold. So here it is the first day of a new year. This may be the time to write if I want writing to be a prominant part of my next year on the planet.

Having worked at the hospital all night, I am bringing the year in by myself , home alone. With family in residence here and after a busy night shift, I revel in the solitude, unashamed at enjoying my own company. I have conquered my fear of the release of the explosive energy of opening champagne. I have never before been able to do that on my own (how silly) Shall I mourn the absense of my beloved partner. Absolutely not !!! At least I HAVE a wonderful soul to share the thoughts and occurances of my life with. I look outside at the snow laden trees and see I am not alone at all. While I was sleeping, a neighbor has plowed my driveway and parking area; leaving me only small edges to deal with.

New Years is always a time of contemplation for me. What will be different in this next 12 months? What DO I need to change and what reflections on the year gone by ? It feels like a slow plod forward; much of life being status quo yet always new developments and discoveries of new ways to be.

And what of the world outside of my small realm ? My mind overwhelms easily with global realities .... poverty, war, dissapearing species, climate change crisis, politics, greed, corporate affairs. In my busy life and never having been a political person, it all causes me to pull into myself , do my job as a nurse the best I can, sign a few petitions, donate some money and try to feel good about life. I am not so much a social protester or mender of world problems.

My partner seems to understand or at least be able to relate to the strange goings on in the world. Nothing surprises him. It is as if he can pull back, objectively and see the bigger picture of civilization and government. He sees the natural rights that have been stolen from the people; the way we are controlled and accounted for, identified, compartmentalized and patrolled. There are birth certificates, passports, chip cards, fingerprints and more to come. What hope have we ? What can we do ? He does however lead a simple life, conscious of the footprint he leaves.

It all really is too much for my mind to deal with. My approach differs; not attempting to relate to or heal the larger problems of the world. It is a simple idea..... yet ...... I believe that change and progress and hope all start right here at home. It begins with each of us, in each of our hearts and our way of being and living in the world. It comes down to who we choose to be, how we spend our money and our time. It is the pebble in the pond theory; watching the ripples spread outward. As I see how many people find peace and meaning by joining in our monthly circle of Dances of Universal Peace, and as I hear and see my daughter reflect the morals and qualities I have passed on to her, I know this to be true. There is hope if we all live conciously. Let us all remember this as we enter into another year in this strange reality over which we DO have some control. Let us shop locally and consciously, recycle, passing on what we no longer need and grow what food we can or support local farms. If we have money to spare lets also give it wisely, not to huge medical or other corporations, but to local food banks ,transition houses, hot meal programs, and emergency shelters. Better still, lets donate our time to these places or drop food at the local food cupboard. Let us live in gratitude, counting our blessings every day, spend time and share feeling and thoughts with our friends and get to know our neighbors. Let us not underestimate the influence we have on our children. We need to raise them to be thoughtful conscienscious, caring and contributing individuals. Ahh .... and then there are our grandchildren..... beautiful young souls, waiting to be the next generation of leaders, teachers, parents and innovators, and caretakers of the world. Let us show them love and positive attributes by example.

Yes, I believe there is hope, and I hold much gratitude to the political watchdogs, protestors and workers for social justice. Even if I am not actively joining you I am with you. As I sit in my own humble home, grateful for my small piece of paradise, I contemplate this last year and how I might live better in this next year, with more consciousness towards life on the planet, towards creating and sustaining community, towards being a responsible, caring and contributing individual. My greatest hope is that there are many people in many households, contemplating these same ideas, as the ripple moves outward in the pond.

Happy New Year, May this next year bring you all many blessings.
Radha