The Next Morning

This morning the lavender is blooming and pink roses and yellow lilies. I have picked a full basket of raspberries and heard the call of the raven and towhee.I have been visited by a family of chicadees as I sat on my bench under cedar trees. As I moved hoses and sprinklers around I have witnessed how the vegy garden has grown over the weekend. Along with weeds I am able to harvest lettuces and mustard. I feel great gratitude for this life; for all these gifts.
Although sleeping at home, I have spent the weekend far away in a different dimension; retreating with 14 other beautiful women. We were all attending a dance leader training and deepening. Such power, joy and compassion. I return altered, as I would expect, and carrying many gifts, once again. I have stood in front of the Buddhist altar and felt a lotus blossom open in my heart. I have discovered a fascination for mudras; delicate and subtle hand positions with great mysterious meanings, my hands wanted to mimic. We have called on Ganesha to remove obstacles and felt the sacred circle of Tara; sending out compassion, gathering up suffering and burning it in her fire. Together we have experienced the centre walks and learned much in our sharing. I can feel my power contained in the hara, my body an open channel from the crown and the wonder of the expansive place seen through the third eye. I have been on the tightrope in my heart that divides grief from joy, and experienced both at once; perhaps a little closer to living with equanimity.
Perhaps for me the biggest change came before. I moved through the weekend relaxed and free of stress, even though having some responsibilities as an organizer. I stepped up to lead, not knowing any fear of failure or criticism. I, in wonder and appreciation, have thought about this. I am taken back to Sufi camp at the end of May, where a friend helped me make a breakthrough discovery. It was simply a different interpretation of a message I had been given, in reference to changing old patterns. I ofcourse thought I was to break the pattern of nervous energy and fear of failure that has accompanied me through life. My wise friend felt that the pattern I needed to change was that of beating myself up for being this way. Thank you to friends for new perspectives they offer in their care and love for us. I was then able to replace the attempt to banish my self consciousness and bring in confidence, with a new wish to accept myself just as I am. Accepting that part of me that can experience a sudden onset of stage fright, that is so concerned about what others may think, allows me to know simply that I may have to deal with this from time to time. It could also mean that part of my nature will inject itself into my life less often. I have only to wait and watch, as I move through life in this new peace, with new grace.
I ponder the truth that we are all changing constantly, as is life and the experiences we encounter. So much more joy there is in living with gratitude and in acceptance of all that is.
For me this is something worthy of striving for, and I wish it for each of you also.

Radha